Thursday, 31 January 2013

Flourishing Relationships - I don't want help!

When couples are having problems within their relationship, it is common for one of the partners to refuse help to address and resolve the issues.

I am not looking, so I can't see it!
Women are often the ones who realise that there are problems within the relationship; that they need help.And are often more likely to seek help than men. But that is not always the case.  

Either partner can be the one who is refusing the help.Some of the most common reasons for refusing to go to see a relationship coach or counsellor are:

  • Pride - if there is a problem I should be able to fix it myself. Being too proud to accept help.
  • Stubbornness- refusing to admit that there is a problem.
  • Fear -of having to change.
  • Denial - believing that there is nothing wrong and that they are quite happy with the way things are.
  • "We can not afford to go to counselling" - this is a furphy as most people can find the money to do other things, they just do not see their relationship as something worth investing in financially. It is an excuse to not do anything to resolve the problem.
  • "I am not going to counselling and you are not going either" - This attitude is all about controlling their partner. It is a reaction based in fear. Fear that if their partner seeks help their relationship will change. And they do not want change.
What to do if your partner refuses to get help to resolve your relationship issues?
  • Remember that you can not change someone else, but you can change yourself. 
  • Go and get help by yourself; but be sure to discuss with your partner what you are working on with your counsellor. If you feel that you  are not progressing with your counsellor, find another. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person to help you.
  • Learn how to change your behaviour patterns, communicate more effectively  and make changes to the way that you react to situations.Then your partner will have to eventually adjust their behaviour to match. This can make a big difference to your relationship. 
Investing time, money and effort in your relationship will reap you both rewards and may well keep you away from the divorce courts. 

Hilary Thompson

The Out and About Therapist
Facilitator at Flourishing Relationships Retreats

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